Apr 22
The Vampire - Edvard Munch
Some, parasitic by nature.
Most, parasitic by circumstance.
The worst ones… parasite by choice.
Self absorbed, manipulative,
playing the victim card.
So called friends
Parasites that will (try to) suck your into their spiral
but not now…
Not when they encounter a strong pack.
Not when we finally see through them.
I laugh for being on a black list.
Mar 26
- I need a cell phone, he says. He is 6, and he seems so offended, standing there, with his arms crossed, because he needs a cell phone.
- You need a cell phone…
- YES! he tights his arms around his body angrily.
- Who the hell are you gonna call to? Dora the explorer?
They say most things come on three, or something like that. In the afternoon I get scolded because I am browsing my 10 y.o journal, and as I walk upstairs, news on TV are discussing the children´s right to a private life.
What the hell?
I totally get that my girl, who´s 10, needs a break from her brother who is 6. I understand that when she is with her girlfriends she needs some privacy, in the same way he does not need his older sister busting his balls when he is with his buddies. And I understand also that kids need their own quite time alone.
I get that.
What I don´t get, is when I hear that there is not ok to see what your kids are up to, to be in a precise tune when it comes to a pre-teen girl. What I don’t get is that it seems to be perfectly ok for us parents to leave complete freedom and no boundaries to our children.
In a fast-paced life as we live nowadays, it is so easy to park the kids in front of the TV, the iPad or the computer. I am not saying that there is something fundamentally wrong with that – once in a while, I am grateful to be able to take a little “brake” myself also. What I believe that is fundamentally wrong, is not to follow what the kids do then. What I mean is that I, as a parent, need to check who does she talk on Mine craft or Moviestarplanet -and more important, who is asking her for her e-mail or phone number.
So hang on a second… Since when we parents have become so lazy?
I trust my kids… The point is that I don’t trust the predators of the world… Mobbing, harassment, pear pressure… If I am completely oblivious of what is going in their life, how am I going to protect them? How, if I don’t have control of what they do, and with who?
I am not stupid, -at least I´d like to believe that I am not. I believe my children will go and do that things we all did when we were teenagers, I believe they will have secrets, they will hide things from me… But I keep reminding myself that they didn’t ask to be in this world, that it was my decision to have them here, and it is my responsibility to protect them and to guard them until they are strong enough to do it alone.
There is simply no rush to grow up, no need to speed things up. The idea that mascara and heels and internet friends scare the shit out of me. Let the kids be kids and be alert, l keep telling myself. I understand their need to feel more grown, the need to “belong”, but that doesn´t mean I like it. I understand also that at some point I need to compromise.
He asks for a cell phone. I think fast. I have an old phone that doens´t work, I turn it on, set the alarm to 1 hour and I send him out. He can´t call but he has an alarm that makes him feel important and grown-up. He is playing out, and I am sure he will be back in 1 hour on the spot. Win-win situation, I guess…
In the meantime, I will keep being a lioness -because it is my job and my responsibility. I will keep snooping on my daughter´s journal because… Well, see the video and know why…
Feb 19
Christine, the strawberry girl
Christine, banana split lady
Christine, the strawberry girl
Christine sees her faces unfurl
She is pretty, but she is not a prettyface and despite she knows she doesn’t need make up, she feels she needs a mask nevertheless. A few times, in front of the mirror she wonders what is she is really hiding from…
She thinks of him. He certainly does not wear “New Wave” make up, or dark clothes, and probably he doesn’t even know who The Cure is, or Siouxsie and the Banshees or Joy Division, like she does. He is older, like really older and his style is impeccable, presentable if you will, well mannered and serious behind some round glasses.
Unreachable?
She feels inadequate, but she likes to listen to him. He likes to read out loud, despite his class is totally uninterested on listening to him, but she likes to listen to him, she likes to think he reads only for and to her –and at some point he notices that, and eventually, he notices her.
She tries not to shatter, kaleidoscope style
Personality changes behind her red smile
Every new problem brings a stranger inside
Heplessly forcing one more new disguise
When he leans his head down and peeks over his round glasses, the light´s reflection on the glass disappear; when he leans his head down and exposes his eyes, she can see blue oceans looking at her -talking to her. And when he turns his eyes to the book and keeps reading, his moving lips mesmerise her, her mouth opening slowly, watering…
Why the boys her age are so… clueless?
Now’s shes in purple
Now’s she the turtle
Disintegrating
Christine, Christine
Jan 4
- Silvia, you have to treat people like fruit.
-What do you mean?
Dad loves his sayings, and as I grow older they make more and more sense. Conversations with him turn most of the time on tools to meditate when I am alone in bed, and this time is not different. This year has been a very special one, for the good and for the bad.
- You like the healthy fruit on your bowl, right?
-Yes.
I have been a single mom since my first child was born. Despite being married, I was alone; despite I have made peace with it, some days are harder than others. For some people, like for me, alone is a perfect good equation. When alone becomes a couple, and alone is the only equation one knows, things get very complicated. Concepts like patience, negotiation, compromise and love reach a whole new level. Aware that I am totally handicapped when it comes to (grown up) relationships, this year, with A moving on with us, the equation has been a tough one to change.
I am totally overwhelmed with the positive this math had brought into our lives.
- What do you do when a piece of fruit starts going bad?
-Umm…
-You can´t fix it.
-No, but I can cut the bad part and keep the rest.
I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, remembering dad´s words, and I continue thinking about people, and fruit, and friends. Friends… Those ones whom this year were close have become closer, others whom (I thought) close, have become rotten fruit – or maybe there were rotten to begin with but I didn’t see it from the beginning.
-When a piece of fruit goes bad, throw it to the garbage. There is where it belongs.
-That is radical, dad.
-No. You keep it in the bowl, you risk that it will rotten the other one fruit, so the smartest thing is to get rid of it, once and for all.
I have a bit of a doubt taking such a radical decision -on my personal scale lays on one side the naive part that thinks I can save the world and on the other, the one that says “fuck it. I am done with this shit”.
My dad loves his sayings, and I begin liking them also. In fact, my favorite right now is what goes around, comes around… But since I am quite busy, I will let people screw up and let karma shit-slap them on the face…
From Here to Eternity (1953)
Please be careful is never careful
Till it hears the gun
She will always pay the bills
For the having big fun
He talks so well, what can you do,
It’s pretty plain he means it too
I don’t want to sell you lines,
I only mean to do you right
But I’m a simple slave of appetite,
I’m a poor slave of appetite
Hunger howls, hungers red,
Hungers stays till it’s fed
Then it some h-h-how fades,
Then it somehow leaves your sight
Depending on it’s appetite,
Depending on your appetite
So if you take – then put back good
If you steal – be robin hood
If your eyes are wanting all you see
Then I think I’ll name you after me
I think I’ll call you appetite
Here she is with two small problems
And the best part of the blame
Wishes she could call him heartache
But it’s not a boy’s name
If you grow up to be, just like him, just like me
You’re fighting for exclusive rights,
For honeymoons each sleepless night
In which case I’ll call you appetite
Yes I think I’ll call you appetite
So if you take – then put back good
If you steal – be robin hood
If your eyes are wanting all you see
Then I think I’ll name you after me
I think I’ll call you appetite
So if you take – then put back good
If you steal – be robin hood
If your eyes are wanting all you see
Then I think I’ll name you after me
I think I’ll call you appetite
Then I think I’ll name you after me
I think I’ll call you appetite
Oct 8
You know -and you get a kick when you know it, but the very best is that they don’t know you know. And you observe them, like a predator observes its pray, moving careless and unaware of its vulnerability. You savor initially that knowledge with a crooked smile and feel an intense pleasure. Information is power, they say, and information that falls unintentionally on your lap is the most powerful of all…
It is a rush -but the rush evolves and mutates, and most of the time not in a wood way. Is the secret meant to be concealed? Is it meant to be discovered? A secret is (almost) never a good thing, and (almost) always conceals some harm, some betrayal or some deceit…
As you are damn good collecting secrets as you are keeping them, the question remains…what do you do, then, when the rush settles and the the pain of those secrets smack you in the face?
How do you keep playing the secret?
Photo: x-shadow.livejournal.com
Sep 8
Remember to be true, to others, but mostly to yourself.
Don´t fall. Don´t let them push you and make you fall.
Be who you are and stay strong.
Like a child chewing the top of a pencil,
frowning,
deeply thinking,
concentrate and don´t forget:
either you do different things, or you do things differently.
Apr 19
I like to read books. I love to read books, but I am not really a constant reader. When I read a book -because I select intentionally that specific book, I do it with a gut feeling, hoping I will get some kind of connection. Superficially you would think that I do it coldly, kinda a military style, but the truth, the truth that nobody knows, is that I trust my gut feeling tremendously.
I don’t always succeed on my selections, I must admit, and some books disappoint me, some bore me, some over surprise me, and their memory last long in my head.
Apr 16
Apr 13
Text stolen from Arthur Park
Foto: the mysterious and fascinating Chalmers Butterfield
Apr 3
You look at it, tall, twisted, scary and you think: I am not going to make it, but you have seen others going up, ride it, and go down, and they made it. So you think you are going to make it or at least, you should try so you will know if you will make it or not.
I hate roller coasters.
Life is certainly a roller coaster, the cliché says, and either you can scream every time you hit a bump or throw your hands in the air and enjoy it, says also the cliché. that shit ain´t that easy, I say.
Mar 25
Maggie: You know what I feel like? I feel all the time like a cat on a hot tin roof.
Brick: Then jump off the roof, Maggie. Jump off it. Cats jump off roofs and land uninjured. Do it. Jump.
Maggie: Jump where? Into what?
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958)
.
E so isso
Nao tem mais jeito
Acabou, boa sorte
Nao tenho o que dizer
Sao so palavras
E o que eu sinto
Nao mudara
Tudo o que quer me dar
E demais
E pesado
Nao ha paz
Tudo o que quer de mim
Irreais
Expectativas
Desleais
That’s it
There is no way
It over, Good luck
I have nothing left to say
It’s only words
And what I feel
Won’t change
Tudo o que quer me dar / Everything you want to give me
E demais / It’s too much
E pesado/ It’s heavy
Nao ha paz / There is no peace
Tudo o que quer de mim / All you want from me
Irreais / Isn/t real
Expectativas / Expectations
Desleais
Mesmo, se segure
Quero que se cure
Dessa pessoa
Que o aconselha
Ha um desencontro
Veja por esse ponto
Ha tantas pessoas especiais
Now even if you hold yourself
I want you to get cured
From this person
Who poisoned you
There is a disconnection
See through this point of view
There are so many special people in the world
So many special people in the world
In the world
All you want
All you want
Tudo o que quer me dar / Everything you want to give me
E demais / It’s too much
E pesado / It’s heavy
Nao ha paz / There is no peace
Tudo o que quer de mim / All you want from me
Irreais/ Isn’t real
Expectativas / Expectations
Desleais
Now were Falling into the night
Um bom encontro e de dois…
Mar 20
I wish I was one of those women that when they go through a rough patch they drop some kilos effortless. Instead, I don’t sleep. I can open my eyes at some point in the middle of the night and be absolutely awake until about 12 minutes before the alarm goes off, 12 minutes where I have fallen in the deepest sleep. Read more
Mar 19
Is 1 better than 0? And 2? is 2 better than 1?
Those who know me well, know that I don´t have a good relationship with numbers. I have never had, end even this so-called relationship has smoothed up after a diagnosed math disability, numbers terrify me tremendously and my approach is full of skepticism. I do, however, have a weird comprehension about them. I somehow make sense of it all my head, in a strange way, and somehow I manage.
For example, I comprehend numbers that increase as a good meaning: is better to have 3 oranges instead of 1; or 5 pair of shoes instead of 2… There are some exceptions, of course, where numbers that reduce are actually a good thing, as when Cipralex is reduced from 10 to 5 mg, or when the days until the next vacation reduce by 1 every day until it arrives.
Feb 21
It comes in shades. Both during the day and during the night. Because I feel cloudy enough from drifting off during the day and be awaken during the night – when it comes, during the day and during the night, it comes in shades.
And everything seems to rumble in an organized chaos connected from one shade to another; from the computer screen in the meeting room to the sky outside the window.
I push the elevator button and I go down -and I look down as I go down, and I see that my clothes are blue today, really? and I smile to myself, a crooked smile that has nothing funny on it. I go down and I look down as I wonder which shade is coming next.
Feb 20
I was born in Barcelona. If I think of the big percentage, 50% of my life I lived there, 25% in the US and another 25% here in Norway. I had also lived other places also, with an average of moving around 18 times.
Of all those times, some took more time to plan, some less, but either way, there were led by one thing:
Feb 19
Out of pride, some battles will be won,
(momentarily)
but this war no one will win.
The sun shines but is still very weak,
the cold wind drags from the northwest,
(strong)
.
