I am not cleaning up
something is pinching in my chest.
for the past 10 days l have found myself several times lifting one hand to my left breast, as in trying to hold it, or to prevent this so-called pinch to go stronger. this pinch comes from the very inside, suddenly, apparently when the object of my desire comes to mind – which is non-stop since he showed up about 10 days ago; it is not long and it doesn’t take long until it leaves, but the effect that leaves behind is quite powerful.
my heart is pinching; and while holding my hand against my chest l wonder:
why does the heart lay on the left side of the body? Why is not centred?
you would think that this organ, vital to our existence, should be right centred in our body. it pumps blood equally to both sides of our body. we have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 legs, 2 arms… yeah, not 100% equally proportional – ask Leonardo, but still, one on each side. but our heart… it lays on one side, on the left side. the left side of the body is the “anti” in a way, is less developed that the right one… the left side is the “wrong” side. So, is that THE representation of love? a representation of unpredictability? But what is love anyway?
we seem to lay a portrait of love that varies as it is experienced. think about the irony and the complexity of it. love is a very powerful emotion that can build a person up, but can also completely destroy them. you can be the most intelligent, rational person, but you will turn into a blundering, irrational being when “in love”. it’s illusive when one is looking for it, but you stop looking and it just shows up. is that the reason – as if it there is any on it – of its own irrationality? and why the left side? as the majority of the population is right-handed, does that mean that all the affairs related to the heart are all irrational? like deformed? is that some kind of alert to tell us to be careful, to not to give anything for granted? is that why it pinches? to send you a red flag, to tell you that love is so easy to lose and to mess it up?
ok. my heart is pinching me. is telling me “watch out girl!”. is it sending a red flag?. “what the hell?” I wonder, “what is this?… wait, wait… am I.. am I in love?” “how this happened?” I have been in love before, so l recognize the feeling. is just I couldn’t expect this to happen now. this has caught me totally off guard. I need to analyze this….
I am pretty proud of my emotional closet. I have managed, after some serious disappointments, to clean my closet and keep it just according to my needs. now everything lays in good order – good enough to be happy with a little chaos. everything in my emotional closet has its place in it, and l get to move things around easily. my life as a woman – not as career woman, nor as a mother, nor as a friend, just as a WOMAN, has taken special attention lately. now I am incredibly comfortable on my own skin. I have a couple of lovers I can see whenever it suits and go home alone to my closet when l am done. I don’t have any expectations. I don’t want to give any. I don’t want any complications, I just want to “knulle rundt halv år” – even the timeline does NOT apply to an specific timeframe.
or at least that’s what I thought until 10 days ago.
10 days ago when this smart ass comes to me and challenges my intellect. this guys thinks l am a sheep and treats me like one – but l am no sheep, and l challenge him with the full power of my claws. We do some pull-push days until l realize that this l wanted for so long: somebody touching my brain. He is challenging me, my intellect, and that, l know l LOVE. but the touching includes also other bodily parts, and now other organs too. shit.
And touching me this way, he gives me a smirk, looks at me with those beautifull blue eyes and just with the tip of his index goes “ pum” and knocks my fucking emotional closet to the floor!
everything is going on way too fast and I don’t have time to process what’s happening. I am trying to hurry and pick up everything, but I don’t seem to be able to be act fast enough. I am not able to take my eyes off this guy that stands there, smiling at me, while I am picking my emotional things from the floor.
“come”, he says, “come to me” his hand extended to me, eyes getting me naked before I take my clothes off. and he pushes me against the wall, pushes his body against mine, letting me feel him growing, wanting me. he looks at me, he looks at the mess of my closet on the floor, shuffles with his feet a couple of my emotional items and he looks at me again smiling like “see, l can do this to you, and there is nothing you can do about it”. and he throws me on the bed, bites the back of my neck, and kisses me, and fucks me and makes me reach ecstasy not just once, not twice, but many times… I just can’t have enough. of him. even when he is done, and I am exhausted, I want more. I want more of him.
I turn my head towards the floor and I stare at my emotional closet and my emotional stuff laying there. my nature is to stand up, put on my rubber gloves and star picking up immediately. I need to have my life back, as it was. but instead, I turn my head again, I look at him and kiss him, ignoring the mess. I want to say it, but the words don’t come out. I feel a pinch on my left breast. there is barely no space between our bodies and I already miss him. I L… him, “l do?” how can I, when l dont know him? (l don´t? ) when I don’t even know what is he made of? my chest hurts. Well, fuck it, l do.
I am fucked.
what do I do now? all my emotional shit is still on the floor and I don’t seem very willing to pick it up anytime soon. all my parameters, all the “maps” l have been drawing until now, the manuals to set up my emotional closet… all seem to be meaningless right now. l understand that “long-term future” is something l resist to look to, but what about now? Right now?
life is all about choices.
this I am very certain about. you choose the clothes you wear, the food you eat, the friends you have… but when it comes to love, do you have a chance to choose? or is your out-of-place-slightly-to-the-left heart that decides capriciously for you? What are the choices I have now? as I see it, I can stand up, clean up my emotional closet and go back to my familiar routine; realize that not only physical space separates us, but that despite we both want the same – the “knulle rundt halv år”, our ways may not cross. Go back to safety, to my safe, organized and predictable closet, with its predictable lovers. go back to thinking.
or, I can see what this is all about, what HE is about. my heart pinches me when I think this one is ONE not to trust. But at the same time it pinches when l want to give myself to him – and even stronger. when I say the words on my head. when he touches me, when he takes me to heaven and holds me there with his ridiculously strong arms. I can expose myself to the scariest, yet greatest something I can imagine in my middle-age life, a something with an intensity, passion, fierce, jealousy out of proportions. I can do total unpredictability, and therefore expose myself to an excruciating pain when he finds my slightly-to-the-left heart, breaks it and fucks me big time… I can choose to FEEL.
this can go either way.
naa, what the hell… I choose NOT to clean up – at least not for now.