show me your ego and l will show you mine
A pair of heels, some rouge and strong eye contact – and before the meeting is over, two private PM lay on her inbox.
Girl, you still got it going on!
I tell her as I keep pumping foam for our cappuccinos.
I need to keep reminding her of her worth, because sometimes she forgets. I pay attention to her words – she doesn’t seem so convincing to me, but l let her rumble around the kitchen. She looks tired.
“Is my period” she says.
bullshit, I think.
Her mind is racing faster than she can process and she needs to put some order there. She has stepped out of her “no complications, no expectations 2 ½ ones” comfort zone – like stepping out of a hot-water bathtub to a freezing stone floor – and now she is standing there, tip-toeing, not stepping in the tub again nor moving forward.
She looks lost.
I know she comes to me so I can find her.
“I feel I am loosing myself, my momentum,” she says. “I can’t figure out where is the line between wanting and needing. I want to want; l hate – really hate – to need. This is not what I wanted, but now I do… I do, do I…?”
I know what she means – because I know her, more than anybody else.
This is not what you planned – I tell her – but now you are deep in it. You said you didn’t want to get your feelings involved. Now you do. You keep snooping around this digital world trying to find “faults” where they may or they may not be. You are suspicious of his every movement, movements that they may or they may not be worth of suspicion; you translate his words into a self-destructive language that you create in your mind. You are sabotaging this.
Is this what you want?
And as she goes on vomiting sentences, I come to think about this social media phenomenon, and how is affecting the way we relate to each other there, and l come to realize that this is the perfect cover-up for a fantastic new drug – because is addicted as fuck – and this one is the more subtle of all.
Social media is, in fact, a bitch.
Social media will fuck your mind seeing ghosts where there are none or make this ghosts more real and visible then ever. The more access to information you exchange, the greatest the chances to find something that it will hurt you or disappoint you.
Attention is, in fact, the new drug.
The addiction to this drug begins with the desire to expose yourself to the world and ends up in a necessity. The rush to acquire more friends, to track more music, to post more tweets, to have more followers, to more… and more… and more… and suddenly you go to bed one hour – or three – later than you used to, and wake up one hour – or three – earlier. Not only that, the addiction will stigmatize you, fairly or not.
Because I love her, I follow her, I follow him, I follow those who follow her and those who follow him; I read her and I read him. And with all the perspectives you may see a Chinese bowl from different sides of a table, I see the attention they get and what that attention does to them. I see the peak, the top rush of the drug.
And I see, here and there, cockiness.
And she does too – and is making her feet ice cold out of the bathtub.
This cockiness, innocent or intentional can show another you. The desire of being desired, when wanting attention becomes needing attention, when you need more of the drug, when you know that this cockiness may carry misunderstandings, and the self-destructive dictionary comes in place and you know that, but the dependence is stronger and you dont care of the reaction it may cause…
Does then reality become distorted, or on the contrary, you are showing your true colors?
1.- You present yourself as the ideal you wish to be – fantasy-you – this ideal is being this cocky person, flirting left and right, and constantly thirsty for attention. This is not what you are but what you – deeply – wish to be.
2.- You present yourself as you really are – real you: simply a cocky person, flirting left and right, and constantly thirsty for attention.
But when you know this drug is deep on his blood (but dont know how deep), when your feelings are involved, when you wonder if this cockiness will ignore those feelings and will continue to pursue a drug-rush,
what is worst? to love a real-you that wants to be a fantasy-you? (therefore cockines is his ideal)
or to love a real-you (therefore he is cockiness himself)
How can you know what is real and what is not? How can you trust?
If you don’t know, this is a guy you shouldn’t trust. The only thing you can do is believe him. You are strong woman. You can do this if you really want to do this. Do you think his drug is stronger that your insecurities or fears, and that will wear you out, then get out and go back to your 2 ½´s. Whatever you can do with him, you absolutely can do with other men. You have a mouth to ask for what you want. None of you have exclusive patents for your games. But if you decide to stay, you shouldnt need him. You should never need him. You should want him. You should enjoy him. This, now is the time. If you are going to do this, you need to ignore the rest, just believe him. The only thing you can do is believe him and put aside the bullshit. You are strong, but, are you strong enough? Do you want this enough?
I can see my words are sinking deep on her.
I found her – She is coming back.
She is getting out of the meeting room with her heels, her back being watched and desired and two PM on her inbox.
Is this what you want?
“What I want is NOT being taken for granted,” she says.