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licking wounds with happy pills

After you have been at war, no matter if you have won or lost, you will be hit by some kind of depression, or better said, by a feeling of guilt and despair, of uneasiness. For many reasons, you will wonder about what caused this war in the first place; you will wonder about who you were before and after this battle, and even more how this battle affected the people you have around.

Take for example the king Dutugamunu, who did not shoot a single shot in the war, but went in to a depressive type of reaction soon after the Wijithapura battle; he got really fucked in the head for some time, but the king’s emotional worries were soon after healed by a monk.

I am also being healed now. My healer is not a monk but he has several stamped diplomas on his walls that officially certify him to charge 178 kr a visit – maybe more if you need some tests, and give you a prescription for some funny pills. He is supposed to help me overcome this anxiety and do some peacemaking in my soul so this war doesn’t happen again, at least not under his watch.

Truth is, all good deed he does in 43 minutes disappears when I stand in front of the pharmacist and he asks me many unnecessary questions, and makes me sign this form and that form and even one more, and looks at me very skeptical because I am one of those ones that need those pills, and I am thinking “did you ever encounter the monster, you asshole, you would be shoving the pills up your ass in pairs…”

Fucking sorcerer.

(…) A reason I went to war, and I am not ashamed to admit, is that I believed I was some kind of superwoman and I could do it all. Apparently, I am not – and I cracked as badly as an egg. Stress is a bitch, time a bigger one, and trying to be everywhere and for everyone is not a funny business. We use our time in very wrong an unproductive ways. For example, the time we spend online on social media. AttentionWhore just wrote this great piece wondering what the hell happened with time, with the time we had before we had Facebook, Twitter, blogs… and all this social media stuff that is consuming us, and consuming most of our time. I realized i became part of this race to have more friends, more followers, to attract people to our comment’s field. We suddenly get attention and, as a perfect drug, we crave more attention. I am seeing some craving that attention desperately; some are so pathetic that will agree to anything, will always be nice and polite just to be recognized, to be included on the loop, sometimes contradicting themselves with their comments just to be accepted. I decide I don1t want to be that consumed all the time.

Put it this way… if one dies tomorrow… how many of those followers or friends would really give a shit?

AttentionWhore is very right on how consumed we are with this attention business. I, for example, started watching Mad Men; I wasn’t particularly in the mood nor I had much time to sit my ass and watch. But because he is watching, I had to also. God forbid he made a comment on Twitter about how talented secretaries were back then and I didn’t understand what kind of talent he is talking about – and I know he is not referring to their speed typing letters.

All this insecurities from war made me question many other things, one of those ones myself as a woman, and as no way in hell I am one of those secretaries, I am not one of those perfect wives with pointy bras and perfect hair and happy smiles. Or at least I don’t think so, but I am not all that sure. I came to figure out that being perfect it can be as subjective as one self and that I actually do not need to be perfect at all times.

So I may not have a pointy bra, but as for now I got my happy pills, and let me tell you, I totally understand how those housewives got to smile all the time.

Minus the booze.

 

22 Comments Post a comment
  1. I had to have bloodwork done last week for something very simple, but since the doctor and I are friends and he knows I am under a HUGE amount of stress with work right now, he asked me how I was handling the stress. I laughed and said, “Well, I cried 4 times Sunday while I was watching Sons of Anarchy. What does that tell you?” He stared at me for a minute, then asked if I would take something if he wrote a prescription. Living through the war may be the worst part.

    September 19, 2010
    • dufmanno #

      I cry every time I watch Sons of Anarchy so what does that tell you about ME? God i’m an insufferable ego driven narcissist. It’s all about me.
      Glad you are on the mend and taking your meds.
      We ALL need our meds.

      October 6, 2010
  2. I just ate one of my happy pills and I would be lost with out them. So rock on! (Also my pharmacist knows me by name.)

    September 19, 2010
  3. @Wicked Shawn
    @A Vapid Blonde

    I came to figure out that there is more shame in fucking up one’s life knowing there is something one can do, than in having the courage to admit something is wrong and fixing it. Stigma is for the Mad Men women.

    Plus the booze

    😀

    September 19, 2010
  4. MT #

    Du Silvia,eg skulla svart på engelsk….,men den strekk ikkje til for det eg vil seie,heller ikkje nynorsken min.
    Eg les jevnt her inne med deg.tekstane dine,etter den grøne månaden,har vore sterke.Dei har “krevd”litt ordentlige svar,svar som har blitt for nære å gi på blogg.
    Så eg har heller tenkt på deg…

    Klem i natta

    September 19, 2010
    • Åh kjære Marie,
      tiden etter sommer var ikke enkelt. Vel, det var ikke enklere før sommer, men det ble skikkelig dårlig i det siste. Det er ikke lett å være en enslig mor med 2 små barn, fast job, ingen familie, ikke så mye hjelp fra faren til barna…. så jeg krasjet!
      og jeg er ikke skam til å si det, eller til å inrømme at jeg fikk -få- hjelp og at jeg er veldig glad for det.
      Dett er et krig jeg skal vinne (kanskje med flere sårer -men jeg skal vinne den)
      Jeg er så takknemlig for alle som jeg har rundt meg 🙂
      *silviaklem*

      September 20, 2010
      • MT #

        Eg trur du er ei sterk dame,så tvil ikkje på at du vinn 🙂

        September 20, 2010
  5. Don’t underestimate the amount of bravery it takes to acknowledge something isn’t wrong. And it takes even more to try and fix it. You, my dear, are a force of nature.

    September 20, 2010
  6. interesting. I met you during your “green month” and must say it is much more interesting to visit now.

    Agree that the whole social media thing has it’s dangers, but I like the “internets”, when I find a good blog I think it’s as good a read as anything written on more prestigious forms. But the pressure to be perfect, to be popular, to be successful while a size zero… fckn crazy if you ask me

    September 25, 2010
  7. that not being perfect thing gets me all the time. why? why can’t i get over that when i know damn well in my rational mind that nobody is and its an unrealistic expectation of myself. i need a self-love inducing pill.

    also i kind of like the social media world for all the like-minded people, non-judgey people i have met. they are like happy pills for me on so many days. bloggy love is some of the best love.

    September 27, 2010
    • You are SO right, Patty…
      “knowing” all of you makes the world of a difference in my life 🙂
      *bloggy love* l love that! 😀

      September 30, 2010
  8. MT #

    Berre innom med eit hei i dagen 🙂

    September 30, 2010
  9. Tom G. #

    Don’t ever stop fighting the monster. Taking the pills and doing the hard work, day by day, minute by minute takes real courage. Admitting you have a problem is not a weakness, it’s a sign of strength.

    October 4, 2010
    • Thanks, Tom, and welcome 🙂

      l totally agree with you. The courage is what makes us keep going 🙂

      October 4, 2010
  10. dufmanno #

    I hear you loud and clear even wearing my thermal underwear and hunting cap with ear flaps.
    Just take a look at me and my madness driven by nothing of importance and let out a sigh of relief knowing that nearly everyone I come in contact with labors under the delusion that I’m on LSD.
    Just ask Tom.

    October 6, 2010
    • if something is driving you to madness, is of importance…
      I read something really funny. It said: when in a stresful situation, act like a dog:

      if you can’t eat it or fuck, pee on it and leave…

      … that can be a funny scene with your undies on, though… 😀

      October 6, 2010
  11. Tom G. #

    She’s right, I do think she’s on LSD. OK, maybe not LSD per se, but some psychotropic drug. Which is why I love her.

    PS – Ever since my doc put me on a blend of Generic Prozac and Wellbutrin, it has been heaven. I am happy and laughing for the first time in years, as my blog posts wil attest.

    Peace-Tom

    October 6, 2010
    • That is awesome, Tom.
      My kids believe some aliens have abducted their mother, since I am all “nice” and stuff.
      I praise the Lord for my happy pills!
      Duffmanno… something there for you?
      *hug*

      October 6, 2010

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