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to know or not to know

I wish I was one of those women that when they go through a rough patch they drop some kilos effortless. Instead, I don’t sleep. I can open my eyes at some point in the middle of the night and be absolutely awake until about 12 minutes before the alarm goes off, 12 minutes where I have fallen in the deepest sleep.

“Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity”

Right before I go to bed, I read this somewhere. When I wake up in the middle of the night I do the usual stalking and after some minutes, and of course frustrated, l slam the MAC. Laying in bed,  that sentence comes to my mind again -I raise my finger in the air and I make an invisible drawing with the words fear, curiosity and unknown. I try to see them in front of me and make some sense as my finger rolls around a strand of hair over and over in a rhythmic movement…but I don’t seem to close the triangle.

Then I raise my finger again, and this time I write fear, curiosity, known.

And it hits me.

Some time ago a very wise woman said to me: “You need to stop. You need to stop snooping around. You need to control your curiosity, because this damn curiosity and your sneaking skills drive you to be a perfect stalker, and finding out what is there does nothing but hurt you. Besides, you already know what you already know. No need to know it again”

My finger begins to tickle demanding a better blood flow and as l lower it I realize that the unknown is not what I may be afraid of. What terrifies me the most is, actually, the known. The things I know, the things I knew before, and probably they will be repeated, and the smilies and the ❤ will fill up DM’s, and posts, and… Things that I, in fact, I shouldn’t be seeing.

Insomnia is a bitch, and curiosity, that in another settings it may fill you up with blessings, it becomes a curse and in the middle of the night, making you as unstable as wet dynamite. So to avoid an explosion that can blow my fingers off, I make a conscious promise to myself as I write with my finger up in the air: STOP.

So far I have managed since then… some loooog hard hours – i wonder if there is a support group or something out there…

 
16 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jeg er litt i tvil om i hvilken grad jeg skal kommentere på disse postene, men så tenker jeg at det ligger ute her – hvordan du kjenner det, og folk som leser kjenner oss begge.

    Man mister på ett eller annet vis privilegier, det å vise hensyn for eksempel, forsvinner litt og litt (men ikke helt, det er ikke slik at noen vil hverandre vondt, tvert imot), fordi man skal leve i en annen og ny virkelighet. Det dreier seg også om å ta ansvar selv for hva man selv har besluttet. Den går naturligvis begge veier, denne stalkingen – det er hardt å slippe taket.

    På den annen side, det ligger noe positivt i dette, å bry seg (om), selv om vi sannsynligvis har passert point of no return for hva som kunne ha blitt.

    March 20, 2012
    • Neida – i like that you comment – i hope it is intimate enough to share my struggles and respectful enough to not to offend. it actually feels good to write (one of those few things…) a relief, kind of, and puts some peace in place, kind of…

      The decision is based on experience, on how l did react when i saw things before, and how i do see things now, when l read a “freedom” or “friskiness” that hurts me, in a way, unnecessarily.

      You know exactly what l mean.

      Caring?

      One doesn’t stop loving from one day to another. l am slow on all those feeling-matters, you know? Yes, you know 😀

      March 20, 2012
  2. “I wish I was one of those women that when they go through a rough patch they drop some kilos effortless. Instead, I don’t sleep. I can open my eyes at some point in the middle of the night and be absolutely awake until about 12 minutes before the alarm goes off, 12 minutes where I have fallen in the deepest sleep.”

    did you write that or did I? so with ya sister

    March 20, 2012
    • is so unfair, the only thing loosing is elasticity on out skin, making us even more tired!
      😀

      March 20, 2012
  3. MT #

    Hadde eg visst du var vaken i natt, ja så skulle eg ha invitert deg til te og ein prat.:)
    Var sjølv vaken mest til klokka ubønnhørlig tikka mot ringesignal.
    Vi reargerer ulikt på tøffe tider vi menneskeborn. Når grunnen vi står på bevegar seg for mykje får vi eit behov for å ha kontroll.
    Å vite-å ikkje vite
    Det einaste ein kan ha kontroll over er kva ein gjer med sine eigne tankar !
    Tillit- mistillit
    For eigen del og den andres del tenkjer eg det er viktig å gi seg sjølv den gåva det er å stole på einannan.

    Sorry om det vart for nært.
    Marieklem

    March 20, 2012
    • Åh, Marie
      en kopp te og en prat ville hadde vært fantastisk. På et tidspunkt må man gi slipp, selv om det er vanskelig. Suspiccion blir agravated når du kjenner din holdning til den andre personen har endret seg og mistankene blir forverret når du kjenner din holdning til den andre personen er ikke det samme enn før, når du vet du er ikke i at spillet lenger. Man ser hva man vil se- sier pappa. Tid til å besteme hva vil jeg ikke se, siden det gjør vondt.
      Klem, veldig stor klem.

      March 21, 2012
  4. ay, Sil, curiosity killed the cat ….

    I’m no stalker, but I’ve been stalked and was (maybe) a little flattered in the beginning before it turned extremely … boring.

    now, I just read “Lynch on Lynch”, and in the interviews he keeps repeating that the mystery is so much bigger and better than the truth and so he refuses to … shed even a little light on the enigmas of his movies. I guess the same can be applied to life and relationships too.

    I don’t know what’s behind your breakup, but I hope you’re both doing good, at least as good as you can do right now….

    Vivas, mamacita!

    March 20, 2012
  5. Loreali #

    I had left one of my best comments to a post ever and it got deleted…. agrrrrrrrrr 😦 :/

    March 21, 2012
  6. Tom G. #

    I am so thankful that there was no internet and social media when I was young and in love. I obsessed endlessly about lost loves, and would have been unable to resist the urge to follow them from a distance. Even now, 20 years later, I still find myself in moments of boredom and stillness, googling names, and sneaking around on Facebook to see what those heartbreakers are doing. So I understand the irresistible desire to torture oneself. I wish I had some good advice.

    March 23, 2012
    • dufmanno #

      I’m equally torn about wanting to know what the hell ever became of the people I left behind and honestly not caring all that much. One guy went completely insane before getting it together, another drifted off and married someone who had been waiting in the wings for years and yet another became a gazillionaire who never got hitched and clearly needs someone to help him spend all those extra dollars (ahem!)

      March 23, 2012
      • There is a parentheses of time, Duf, to heal, despite the facts.
        It would be great if LOVE had a on/off switch, but it doesn’t. Alternative is encounter the “men in Black” guys and get one of those lights they carried with…

        March 23, 2012
      • Tom G. #

        Yeah, I confess, after posting my story last week about the girl from the north country, I went hunting for her online. I found out that she is married to a successful guy, living in Grenoble France with 2 small kids, and looking just as freakin’ cute as she was in 1990. So now that I have confirmed that she isn’t a 300 lbs divorcee living in a trailer park in Jersey, I am reduced to hoping that her 50+ something hubby has erectile dysfunction.

        The moral to the story? Anyone can find out way more stuff about you on the interwebz than you can imagine with a little googling.

        March 23, 2012
        • he he he… Thanks for making me laugh, Tom. Yes, one can find “too much” online, and l curse my curiosity for that, and yes, l actually wish nothing but good things for him (but l still would like to think that no one would meant to him what i think i did)
          😀

          March 23, 2012
    • Those were the days, Tom…
      l damn these days 😦

      March 23, 2012

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