to know or not to know
I wish I was one of those women that when they go through a rough patch they drop some kilos effortless. Instead, I don’t sleep. I can open my eyes at some point in the middle of the night and be absolutely awake until about 12 minutes before the alarm goes off, 12 minutes where I have fallen in the deepest sleep.
“Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity”
Right before I go to bed, I read this somewhere. When I wake up in the middle of the night I do the usual stalking and after some minutes, and of course frustrated, l slam the MAC. Laying in bed, that sentence comes to my mind again -I raise my finger in the air and I make an invisible drawing with the words fear, curiosity and unknown. I try to see them in front of me and make some sense as my finger rolls around a strand of hair over and over in a rhythmic movement…but I don’t seem to close the triangle.
Then I raise my finger again, and this time I write fear, curiosity, known.
And it hits me.
Some time ago a very wise woman said to me: “You need to stop. You need to stop snooping around. You need to control your curiosity, because this damn curiosity and your sneaking skills drive you to be a perfect stalker, and finding out what is there does nothing but hurt you. Besides, you already know what you already know. No need to know it again”
My finger begins to tickle demanding a better blood flow and as l lower it I realize that the unknown is not what I may be afraid of. What terrifies me the most is, actually, the known. The things I know, the things I knew before, and probably they will be repeated, and the smilies and the ❤ will fill up DM’s, and posts, and… Things that I, in fact, I shouldn’t be seeing.
Insomnia is a bitch, and curiosity, that in another settings it may fill you up with blessings, it becomes a curse and in the middle of the night, making you as unstable as wet dynamite. So to avoid an explosion that can blow my fingers off, I make a conscious promise to myself as I write with my finger up in the air: STOP.
So far I have managed since then… some loooog hard hours – i wonder if there is a support group or something out there…