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Posts from the ‘Bitter ones’ Category

ink and pen

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LET THEM BE THE INK, INSTEAD.

 

Update

Today is one of those Mondays where I feel restless enough to be on top of my game on the productivity department. At my desk it works perfectly on a time we have more to do than time to do it. It also helps to clean up the mac and by default, the nearly 100 messages on the gmail account.

Why don´t you write anymore? 

This comes from somebody whom has read every single one of my posts, but never has left a single comment and somehow shocks me.

Did something change? and when?

Some months ago I got to know this really cool blogger whom has managed to control her anonymity quite well. Over coffee we talked about great it is to be anonymous, to be able to vomit your most deep feeling without retaliations, to be brutally honest, and dark enough to be incredibly interesting…

At some point, the comments, the feedback, gives you as much (if not more) pleasure than the freedom to say whatever you want out loud, and the hints give us away.

Some people have figure out who I am, and now things have changed

Why do we blog, I reflected on my way home, why I did start blogging, and why and when things started to changed, and more interesting, the price I (we) had to pay when things change. When others put a face on your words, when your love ones know about how you feel through a declaration made public for everyone to know… When then you risk to hurt those love ones or to instigate misinterpretations…

I wondered if blogging has become a alternate route to personal conversations, a route to avoid direct confrontations, a route where the end may be either getting reassurance from the unknown people or sour confrontations from the known love ones…

… Then what?

Actual vampires (quickie)

the-vampireThe Vampire – Edvard Munch

 

Some, parasitic by nature.
Most, parasitic by circumstance.
The worst ones… parasite by choice.

Self absorbed, manipulative,
playing the victim card.

So called friends 

Parasites that will (try to) suck your into their spiral
but not now…

Not when they encounter a strong pack.
Not when we finally see through them.

I laugh for being on a black list.

Parenting or laziness

– I need a cell phone, he says. He is 6, and he seems so offended, standing there, with his arms crossed, because he needs a cell phone.
– You need a cell phone…
– YES! he tights his arms around his body angrily.
– Who the hell are you gonna call to? Dora the explorer?

They say most things come on three, or something like that. In the afternoon I get scolded because I am browsing my 10 y.o journal, and as I walk upstairs, news on TV are discussing the children´s right to a private life.

What the hell?

I totally get that my girl, who´s 10, needs a break from her brother who is 6. I understand that when she is with her girlfriends she needs some privacy, in the same way he does not need his older sister busting his balls when he is with his buddies. And I understand also that kids need their own quite time alone.

I get that.

What I don´t get, is when I hear that there is not ok to see what your kids are up to, to be in a precise tune when it comes to a pre-teen girl. What I don’t get is that it seems to be perfectly ok for us parents to leave complete freedom and no boundaries to our children.

In a fast-paced life as we live nowadays, it is so easy to park the kids in front of the TV, the iPad or the computer. I am not saying that there is something fundamentally wrong with that – once in a while, I am grateful to be able to take a little “brake” myself also. What I believe that is fundamentally wrong, is not to follow what the kids do then. What I mean is that I, as a parent, need to check who does she talk on Mine craft or Moviestarplanet -and more important, who is asking her for her e-mail or phone number.

So hang on a second… Since when we parents have become so lazy?

I trust my kids… The point is that I don’t trust the predators of the world… Mobbing, harassment, pear pressure… If I am completely oblivious of what is going in their life, how am I going to protect them? How, if I don’t have control of what they do, and with who?

I am not stupid, -at least I´d like to believe that I am not. I believe my children will go and do that things we all did when we were teenagers, I believe they will have secrets, they will hide things from me… But I keep reminding myself that they didn’t ask to be in this world, that it was my decision to have them here, and it is my responsibility to protect them and to guard them until they are strong enough to do it alone.

There is simply no rush to grow up, no need to speed things up. The idea that mascara and heels and internet friends scare the shit out of me. Let the kids be kids and be alert, l keep telling myself. I understand their need to feel more grown, the need to “belong”, but that doesn´t mean I like it. I understand also that at some point I need to compromise.

He asks for a cell phone. I think fast. I have an old phone that doens´t work, I turn it on, set the alarm to 1 hour and I send him out. He can´t call but he has an alarm that makes him feel important and grown-up. He is playing out, and I am sure he will be back in 1 hour on the spot. Win-win situation, I guess…

In the meantime, I will keep being a lioness -because it is my job and my responsibility. I will keep snooping on my daughter´s journal because… Well, see the video and know why…
 

Disintegrating

Christine, the strawberry girl
Christine, banana split lady
Christine, the strawberry girl
Christine sees her faces unfurl

She is pretty, but she is not a prettyface and despite she knows she doesn’t need make up, she feels she needs a mask nevertheless. A few times, in front of the mirror she wonders what is she is really hiding from…

She thinks of him. He certainly does not wear “New Wave” make up, or dark clothes, and probably he doesn’t even know who The Cure is, or Siouxsie and the Banshees or Joy Division, like she does. He is older, like really older and his style is impeccable, presentable if you will, well mannered and serious behind some round glasses.

Unreachable?

She feels inadequate, but she likes to listen to him. He likes to read out loud, despite his class is totally uninterested on listening to him, but she likes to listen to him, she likes to think he reads only for and to her –and at some point he notices that, and eventually, he notices her.

She tries not to shatter, kaleidoscope style
Personality changes behind her red smile
Every new problem brings a stranger inside
Heplessly forcing one more new disguise

When he leans his head down and peeks over his round glasses, the light´s reflection on the glass disappear; when he leans his head down and exposes his eyes, she can see blue oceans looking at her -talking to her. And when he turns his eyes to the book and keeps reading, his moving lips mesmerise her, her mouth opening slowly, watering…

Why the boys her age are so… clueless?

Now’s shes in purple
Now’s she the turtle
Disintegrating
Christine, Christine

Dad´s wisdom (recap of 2012)

– Silvia, you have to treat people like fruit.
-What do you mean?

Dad loves his sayings, and as I grow older they make more and more sense. Conversations with him turn most of the time on tools to meditate when I am alone in bed, and this time is not different. This year has been a very special one, for the good and for the bad.

– You like the healthy fruit on your bowl, right?
-Yes.

I have been a single mom since my first child was born. Despite being married, I was alone; despite I have made peace with it, some days are harder than others. For some people, like for me, alone is a perfect good equation. When alone becomes a couple, and alone is the only equation one knows, things get very complicated. Concepts like patience, negotiation, compromise and love reach a whole new level. Aware that I am totally handicapped when it comes to (grown up) relationships, this year, with A moving on with us, the equation has been a tough one to change.

I am totally overwhelmed with the positive this math had brought into our lives.

– What do you do when a piece of fruit starts going bad?

-Umm…
-You can´t fix it.
-No, but I can cut the bad part and keep the rest.

I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, remembering dad´s words, and I continue thinking about people, and fruit, and friends. Friends… Those ones whom this year were close have become closer, others whom (I thought) close, have become rotten fruit – or maybe there were rotten to begin with but I didn’t see it from the beginning.

-When a piece of fruit goes bad, throw it to the garbage. There is where it belongs.
-That is radical, dad.
-No. You keep it in the bowl, you risk that it will rotten the other one fruit, so the smartest thing is to get rid of it, once and for all.

I have a bit of a doubt taking such a radical decision -on my personal scale lays on one side the naive part that thinks I can save the world and on the other, the one that says “fuck it. I am done with this shit”.

My dad loves his sayings, and I begin liking them also. In fact, my favorite right now is what goes around, comes around… But since I am quite busy, I will let people screw up and let karma shit-slap them on the face…

KarmaQuote_large

Reminiscence on any given Monday

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From Here to Eternity (1953)

Please be careful is never careful
Till it hears the gun
She will always pay the bills
For the having big fun
He talks so well, what can you do,
It’s pretty plain he means it too
I don’t want to sell you lines,
I only mean to do you right
But I’m a simple slave of appetite,
I’m a poor slave of appetite

Hunger howls, hungers red,
Hungers stays till it’s fed
Then it some h-h-how fades,
Then it somehow leaves your sight
Depending on it’s appetite,
Depending on your appetite

So if you take – then put back good
If you steal – be robin hood
If your eyes are wanting all you see
Then I think I’ll name you after me
I think I’ll call you appetite
Here she is with two small problems
And the best part of the blame
Wishes she could call him heartache
But it’s not a boy’s name

If you grow up to be, just like him, just like me
You’re fighting for exclusive rights,
For honeymoons each sleepless night
In which case I’ll call you appetite
Yes I think I’ll call you appetite

So if you take – then put back good
If you steal – be robin hood
If your eyes are wanting all you see
Then I think I’ll name you after me
I think I’ll call you appetite

So if you take – then put back good
If you steal – be robin hood
If your eyes are wanting all you see
Then I think I’ll name you after me
I think I’ll call you appetite

Then I think I’ll name you after me
I think I’ll call you appetite

Prefab Sprout – Appetite